Revisions For Draft Two

Here's the list of revisions I would like to make to draft one before I will consider draft two complete and ready to send out to the below-listed Supercool Fabulous Wonderful People. In case you were curious. A lot of it is probably pretty cryptic. *shrug*

Smooth out structure:
What else needs to happen? What happens that doesn’t need to?
Are things happening in the right order?
* Progress of motivations—show Will wanting to keep his life normal, obstacles preventing that
* Progression of Will’s ability:
who he can read, what he can learn/sense/understand
dealing with the ethics of reading people’s minds—should he, when, need he ask, etc.
* Awareness of evil forces:
When/how are we introduced to villainess?
How much does Will know at each point, scene by scene? (Spread out revelations)
How does Will find things out? (Keep it active)
* Roles/development of: Mikal, old man, Denis’ sisters, Denis, Kendra, Charle, Darius

* Description of Allyria, Will and Kendra, etc. in beginning
* The Test
More conflict with mother/others about his placement
Show how the rest of the Waste Collection station works
More relationship with Denis; twin connection stories
Will getting to know the people on his route
* Remove horrific butcher story!!!
* Change marketplace cluster to buying/selling
Find new place for The Game
* Will notices new economic trend(s) in garbage
* Will’s mother’s story—is it too easy if they already know She’s at the Temple?
Add Mikal arguing; Mikal helping
Add someone (old man? Lila? Temple?) to teach Will about physics
* Conversations with the Temple
* Change fistfight to mind battle
* Explain Charle at end of mind battle, begin to get a glimpse of evil of woman
* Will realizes selfishness of Damask before he gets to the Temple
Events of ending: Use pilotting, Let Denis and Kendra be more specific/helpful in the end
* Final image?

Give characters flaws
More details/descriptions of people/places
Add more of Will’s connection to his father, gradually growing
Show more of Will understanding people, learning/growing before Temple
More explanation of economic system (children, value)
Hints that there is something wrong that will need to be fixed; that a wider world is present and
impinging on the idyll that is Allyria; show how great Allyria is
Economic impacts/shifts
Introduction to the villainess earlier—through communications with father? Mother? Views of her from somebody’s perspective aside from Will? Special chapter sections? Stories?
Does every effect have a cause, and vice versa?

Fix bolded words/Name for villainess, father
Iron out especially awkward/embarrassing prose
Polish titles


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